It had been a very long night. No matter what he said to her, it was wrong. He didn't understand why she was so angry with him. He tried to talk to her, but she just glared at him and walked away.

He jerked his glasses off and dropped them on the table. He rubbed his temples, he could feel the headache beginning. "Dammit!"

"What's wrong with you?"

He looked up to see Catherine standing in his doorway. "Nothing." It was more of a grumble.

"Uh-huh...Sara still mad?"

His eyes snapped back to her. "What?"

She smiled gently and stepped into his office, closing the door behind her. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Actually Catherine...no, I don't."

"What's going on Griss?"

He glared at her. "Catherine...don't..."

"Sorry." She stood up to leave.

"Catherine...wait. I'm sorry. I have a headache starting and I've had a very bad evening." She turned towards him as he continued. "And Sara...is...pissed about something apparently."

"Yeah, I know."

He lifted his eyes to hers. "At me?" She nodded while a smile slowly formed. "What did I do this time?"

"Terri."

"What?"

"Yeah...she saw you with Terri."

"So?"

"Griss...you can't be that blind. None of us are, you know."

He wondered briefly if she had caught on to the fact that his feelings for Sara went far beyond professionalism. He dismissed that thought quickly. He had been very careful about his feelings. Sara didn't even know. His thoughts ended abruptly as he looked up to a grinning Catherine.

"I'm going home Cath."

"Are you okay?" She was honestly concerned.

"My head...hurts."

"I'll drive you."

He gently shook his head. "No...I'll be fine..."

She interrupted him. "I'm driving you."

She saw the look in her eyes and knew it would be pointless to argue with her. He sighed heavily. "Fine..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He unlocked the front door and walked in behind her. She watched him protectively as he walked into the kitchen. "Griss?" She heard a cabinet open and the sound of clinking glass.

He walked back into the living room with a bottle of whiskey and two glasses. "Grissom...where are your pills?"

"Don't want them." He looked back at her, holding a glass up. "Would you like a drink?"

She had known him long enough to know that if he offered her a drink, then he wanted to talk. "Okay...sure."

He smiled weakly as he poured her a glass and handed it to her before sitting down on the couch. She tried to read him as she sat down beside him, but it was useless. He quickly downed his drink and poured himself another. They sat in silence for a few moments before he spoke.

"How's Lindsey?"

His question startled her. "She's fine...doing well in school. She's at Eddie's this weekend."

He slowly nodded his head and poured them another drink. "I never really knew my father well...kids need their fathers, you know?"

This conversation was quickly becoming very odd for Catherine. "Yeah, I know." She set her glass on the table as he poured his fourth. "Griss, are you okay?"

He turned to look at her through his glassy eyes. She knew from experience it was due to the amount of alcohol he had ingested in such a short period of time. He smiled, obviously buzzing pretty good. "So...Sara is mad because Terri was helping with a facial reconstruction?"

Catherine chuckled. "No...Sara is mad because of the way Terri touched you."

"Huh?" He couldn't remember Terri touching him at all...much less touching him in a way that would upset anyone.

"Yeah...you know...when she brushed her fingers through your hair to wipe the dust out?"

"Oh." He still wasn't quite sure what she was talking about.

Knowing he didn't understand, she copied Terri's movements. "Like this..." Her hand gently moved through his hair and settled on his neck. She leaned into him and touched her lips to his briefly.

"Um...I don't remember that." He smiled gently at her.

"Well...I kind of added that last part..."

"Oh."

Feeling somewhat uncomfortable, she moved her hand...only to have him take hold of her wrist. She met his eyes as he gently pulled her to him. "Grissom?"

"Shh..." He tilted his head and pressed his lips to hers.

His hands went around her waist as she deepened the kiss and slipped her tongue into his mouth. Gently, she pushed him back until he was lying down. She could taste the whiskey on his tongue.

She broke the kiss and looked into his eyes. She knew that he was more than slightly intoxicated. She also knew that he harbored some unspoken feelings for Sara. But, she knew that this was just a one time thing. Something they both needed right now.

She unbuttoned his shirt and ran her tongue across his chest. His hands moved under her shirt to caress the skin on her back. His eyes closed as she moved up to kiss his neck. She could feel him slowly harden underneath her. Gently, she reached down and unbuttoned his pants, slowly pulling the zipper down. She heard him gasp as she pulled him out and began stroking him.

Blindly, he reached and pulled her mouth back to his. His tongue forcefully entered hers as she continued stroking him. His hands moved to her breast, gently pinching her nipple. She groaned into his mouth and felt him thrust his hips towards her. She slowly increased her pressure on him as she quickened her strokes. His head fell back against the cushions as he moaned loudly.

She felt him jerk lightly in her hand, she knew he was close. His body shuddered lightly as his sperm landed forcefully on his chest. "Oh...God....Sara..."

She looked at his closed eyes. 'Did he just say what I think he said?' She slowly released her grip and watched as the smile formed on his face. She listened to him mumble in a drunken incoherent ramble. "Sara...you feel...oh...I've wanted...to...Sara..."

She closed her eyes and took a deep breath before easing off of his body. "I'm not Sara, Grissom." His head rolled to the side as the alcohol overtook him.

She quietly made her way to the bathroom. She didn't love him. Well, not like that anyway. She reached for a washcloth and began running it under warm water. He wouldn't remember tomorrow. She gently wrung the water from the soft cotton. She smiled thinly to herself. He's in love with Sara. Sara's in love with him. Why the hell do they have to be so stubborn? She looked at herself in the mirror and smiled. "There's something you need to do Catherine."

She walked back to the living room and smiled down at the sleeping enigma. Gently, she washed his chest before tucking him back into his boxers. She quickly got him redressed and pulled the blanket from the back of the couch over him. She ruffled his hair softly and leaned down to kiss him on the cheek.

He stirred lightly and mumbled something incoherent. She smiled and whispered in his ear. "Sara loves you too, you know. I'm going home. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

He nodded his head clumsily in sleep. "Tell her that you love her, Grissom."

Turning off the light, she looked back at him. 'If he doesn't...then I will...' She smiled as she exited his home and closed the door behind her.

Chapter Two

She was halfway home when it dawned on her how upset she really was. Slamming on the brakes, she quickly turned around. Sure, she knew that Sara and Grissom should be together. But, the bastard had allowed her to jack him off...and then called out HER name.

She pulled into his parking space and stormed up the sidewalk, stopping only to retrieve his spare key. She opened the door to find him in the same position she left him in. She walked quickly to the couch and stood there, staring at him for a moment trying to collect her thoughts.

"Grissom!" He stirred very lightly. "Grissom!!"

His eyes blinked a couple of times, revealing his glassy blue orbs. "Catherine?"

"Get your drunk ass up right now!"

"Sleepy...later..."

"No..NOW!" She grabbed his arm and jerked him into a sitting position.

He glared at her, in the most menacing expression he could muster...which wasn't very menacing considering he was drunk and she was pissed. "What Catherine?"

"What? WHAT!"

He winced slightly at the volume of her voice. He rubbed his eyes gently and looked back at her. A flash popped in his brain...him kissing Catherine. He shook his head slowly, trying to rid himself of the image. His movement only brought the next image. Catherine lying on top of him. "What the hell?"

"What the hell? That's what you have to say? What the hell..."

He looked at her in confusion. "Catherine..."

She interrupted him quickly. "Look...I know you love Sara...I know that Sara loves you." If she hadn't been so angry, she probably would've laughed at the expression on his face. But no laughter came. "I also know that we're friends. We go a long way Grissom. But, how DARE you allow me to jack you off and then call HER name out?"

His eyes widened...sobriety was slowly finding him. "What?"

"You heard me."

'Surely this is a dream...if not, maybe a bad joke?' He quickly looked down and saw the fresh semen stain on his pants. "Oh, God." He looked back up to see her glaring at him. "Catherine...I...I'm sorry...I didn't..."

"You didn't what, Grissom? You didn't mean for it to happen? You didn't mean to call me Sara? I know that. I know you didn't mean to. But..." Her voice trailed off. She didn't know where she was going with this conversation anymore.

Grissom took a deep breath and reached for her hand. "Catherine..."

She jerked away from him. "No Grissom...no..."

He pulled his hand back slowly and leaned back into the couch. "I'm not really sure what happened..."

She looked at him briefly before letting her eyes drift across the room. "It's my fault..."

"How do you figure that?"

"Look, Grissom...you were already drunk...I kissed you...you kissed me...I knew you were drunk...I knew that you love Sara...I just...once it started, I couldn't stop it. And then it was over...so, I cleaned you up and left."

"But...uh...not before you told me to tell her..."

Her eyes snapped back to his. "What?"

"That's what you told me before you left, wasn't it?"

"Um...yeah...but you, uh...you were out..."

He smiled lightly. "You wanted me to tell you something revealing one time, remember?" She nodded her head slowly, her confusion growing. "Well...I am...kind of perceptive to...suggestions while sleeping."

She had the look of a non-believer. He stifled a small laugh. "Look, I know you don't believe me...but it is the truth."

"Yeah...okay..."

"Catherine..." He waited for her to look at him. "I AM sorry. I never meant to take advantage of you. I promise you that."

She slowly shook her head. "No...I took advantage of you Griss..."

He chuckled lightly. "Maybe we took advantage of each other."

She smiled weakly at him. "Yeah...maybe."

He reached for her hand again, this time she let him take it. "Catherine...you are my best friend...sometimes, my only friend. I don't want to damage that."

She squeezed his hand lightly. "I feel the same Gil...we're okay...not damaged."

"You sure?"

She smiled an honest smile. "Yeah...just don't make a habit of calling me Sara."

He blushed lightly. She leaned over and kissed him gently on the cheek before standing to leave. "Catherine?"

"Hmm?"

He took a deep breath and looked up at her. "You really think I should tell her?"

She smiled again and ruffled his hair. "Yeah, I do..." She watched as he fell into concentration. "Gil?"

He looked up at her and returned her smile. "Yeah?"

"Get some sleep...don't think about it right now."

He stood up slowly and hugged her. He walked her to the door and kissed her cheek before she opened it to leave. "Thank you Catherine..."

"For?"

He laughed gently. "Understanding."

Chapter Three

Catherine walked slowly down the hall, stopping just before she reached his office door. She peeked in, smiling when she saw him sitting there quietly, resting his head against his left hand.

"You okay?"

He jumped slightly and looked at her, returning her smile. "Yeah...slight headache."

She nodded. "I'd be surprised if you didn't have a 'slight headache'." She stood in the doorway tentatively, waiting for his permission to enter. Why? She had no idea, it just seemed like the right thing to do at the time.

He lifted his head slowly. "You coming in, or what?"

She slowly walked in and took a seat in the chair across from his desk. For some reason, she was very nervous. She had never been this nervous around Grissom before...but then, what had happened last night had never happened before.

"Are you okay Catherine?"

She nodded slowly. "Yeah...I just...I don't know..."

He sighed heavily. "I know." He was quiet for a moment, waiting for her to meet his eyes. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Grissom...I don't know...I mean, last night was wonderful and horrible at the same time."

He nodded in agreement. "Yeah...you're right...but we can't change it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sara made the quick journey to Grissom's office. She just hoped that he was already in. Finding new evidence always excited her...and he was always the first person she told. She stopped suddenly outside his door, hearing the voices inside.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

She noticed the serious nature of his tone. Did who want to talk about what? She wasn't normally nosey...but, his tone...she was intrigued.

"Grissom...I don't know..."

Catherine...Sara smiled. She was probably talking about Eddie. After Eddie's last stunt, she probably just needed to talk. And Grissom understood...he always understood.

"I mean, last night was wonderful and horrible at the same time."

Her smile slowly faded. Last night? Wonderful? Horrible?

"Yeah...you're right...but we can't change it."

We? Oh my God...he slept with her? She felt her heart drop to the pit of her stomach. She had pulled away from him for the last time. When she told him that she was confused, she should've stayed. She should've waited for him to answer her. But, she didn't. And now...and now...he was sleeping with Catherine?

Her eyes closed as she tried to control the pounding of her heart. She wasn't sure what was happening. But, she knew that she had felt her heart break at the realization of what had happened between them last night.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You're right Grissom...we can't change it. But, we do need to talk about it."

Grissom sighed heavily as his head tilted down in shame. "Yeah...we do. I know that. I didn't mean to hurt you Catherine."

"I know that...I really do." She paused for a moment. "Will you please look at me?"

He granted her request. She saw something in his eyes. Regret? No, not really. Embarrassment was more like it. She wanted to hold him, but knew that would be the wrong thing to do right now.

"How much do you actually remember?"

He glanced toward the window nervously. "It all came back." He looked back at Catherine. "I remember it all..."

She nodded briefly and then quickly averted his gaze.

"You're right, you know?"

She looked quickly back towards him.

"Wonderful...horrible...at the same time. Catherine, I'm so sorry..."

"Don't apologize anymore Grissom..."

"But...I am...sorry."

Her eyes dropped down to his desk...looking for anything to keep her gaze from his eyes. "I know."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sara couldn't take it any longer. If she stood here much longer, the tears would find a way to escape. She clutched the file she had in her hand tighter and took a deep breath.

She willed her legs to move, to carry her anywhere. She didn't care where she went...as long as she didn't hear any more details about what happened between them.

She loved him. Her thoughts were constantly consumed by the enigma known as Gil Grissom. But, she had waited too long. She knew that he would never admit his feelings first. She knew that she should've just told him...and then dealt with his reaction. But, she couldn't. They were so much alike.

And now, it was too late. He had moved on. With Catherine.

She felt the tears rush to her eyes. She had to go. She couldn't go in his office like this. He'd know. He'd know that she had heard. He'd know that she loved him. He'd know...she couldn't handle him knowing right now.

She took another deep breath and walked quickly by his open office door. As she passed, she wondered briefly. Why didn't they just close the door? A tear finally escaped. Maybe they had wanted her to hear.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grissom looked over Catherine's shoulder and into the hallway. "Sara..." It was more of a whisper.

He looked back at Catherine. "What if she heard?"

She smiled at the panicked tone in his voice. "I'll find out what she knows, okay?"

He nodded wordlessly. 'Oh God...how many times am I going to fuck up?'

He rested his head in his hands as Catherine stood and quickly walked out of his office, turning in the direction that Sara had just walked.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She found her in the locker room, carefully splashing cold water on her face to hide her pain.

Catherine sighed. She had heard. But, she didn't know the whole story. Hell, anyone who would've heard her conversation with Grissom would think that they were sleeping together. The last person who should've heard that particular conversation was Sara.

"Sara? You okay?"

Sara looked at Catherine. For a moment, Catherine saw raw fury in Sara's eyes. If she wasn't sure that Sara had heard, she was sure now.

Sara forced herself to calm. "I'm fine." She turned the water off and dried her skin. She picked the file up off of the bench beside of her. "Have you seen Grissom? I found something he might be interested in..."

Catherine noticed the ice crystals in Sara's voice. How could she not? "Uh...yeah...he's in his office."

Sara quickly walked around Catherine, grunting a hollow "Thanks" as she passed.

The door slammed behind her. Catherine raised her hand and rubbed her brow. "Oh...this is not good..."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sara walked to Grissom's office with sheer determination. She entered his doorway to find him sitting there quietly, with his head in his hands.

She didn't say a word. She walked quickly to his desk, sliding the file between his arms. He looked up. He could see the anger in her eyes. But, there was something else...hurt maybe? No...he wasn't sure. He was sure that she had heard what was said between him and Catherine.

He smiled at her. She didn't return it.

"Found something new...thought you'd be interested." She turned quickly and walked to the door.

"Sara?"

She stopped, but didn't turn around. "What?" He could hear the tension in her voice.

"Are you okay?"

"Sure...I have to get back to work now."

"Sara?"

She turned this time. Her eyes had a shine to them. Oh, God...was she getting ready to cry?

"What?" Her volume had lowered to a whisper.

He wanted to hold her. He wanted to explain everything to her. He wanted to tell her what happened. He wanted to tell her that he loved her. But...he couldn't.

"Can you stop by here later?"

"Why?" She refused to meet his gaze.

"I...I'd like to talk...to you."

She merely nodded and turned, walking out the door.

He sighed and closed his eyes. 'How the hell am I supposed to tell her?'

He opened his eyes and reached for the bottle of ibuprofen.

Chapter Four

She was thankful that he hadn't assigned her to work with Catherine. She was sure she couldn't handle that right now. Instead, she worked with Warrick...Catherine with Nick...and Grissom...well, he stayed back to finish up some paperwork.

At least she wouldn't have to see him for a while either.

Her heart ached. And she had no one to blame but herself. She had been the one to pull away this time...not him. She cursed herself. She had tried to get him to open up to her...instead, she had pushed him to her.

She fought back the tears while processing the scene. She couldn't break down, not now...not with anyone around...not even Warrick.

"Sara? You okay?" He couldn't help but notice that she was upset about something. He figured it was Grissom...but couldn't really bring that up.

She nodded slowly. "Yeah, why?"

He shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know...you just seem...preoccupied."

She looked at him and smiled. A fake smile, she knew that...he saw it too. "I just...have...a lot on my mind right now." She recognized concern in his eyes. "I'm okay...really."

He nodded, though he knew she wasn't okay. "Yeah...well, if you need to talk..."

She cut him off quickly, but not rudely. "Thanks...really."

Sara turned back to the task at hand. And tried her best, though unsuccessfully, to keep her mind off of Grissom and Catherine.

They were done at the scene in a little over two hours. She dreaded going back to the lab. She reached over and switched the radio on, scanning the stations until she heard a familiar voice.

…You left a stain

On every one of my good days

But I am stronger than you know

I have to let you go…

Warrick turned his head towards her. “Who is this?”

“Matchbox Twenty.”

He looked at her curiously. “You like this?”

She finally looked at him. “You don’t?”

He didn’t get a chance to answer as she began singing along with the chorus.

…I got a disease

Deep inside me

Makes me feel uneasy

Baby I can’t live without you

Tell me what am I supposed to do about it…

Keep your distance from me

Don’t pay no attention to me

I got a disease…

He listened to her voice. He worried about her. She wasn’t just singing the words…she was feeling the emotions that the lead singer was belting out.

…Yeah, well I think that I’m sick

But leave me be while my world is coming down on me

You taste like honey, honey

Tell me can I be your honeybee

Be strong…

Keep tellin’ myself that it won’t take long

‘til I’m free of my disease…

His mind mulled over the lyrics as the guitars slowly faded out. He knew there was a difference between simply singing along and actually feeling the lyrics burning in your soul. He also knew that she wasn’t just simply singing along…

He cleared his throat softly and looked at her. She was silent now, staring out the window.

“I never knew you liked Matchbox Twenty.”

“There are a lot of things a lot of people don’t know about me…” She sighed lightly, her voice softened. “But, yeah…I like Matchbox…”

He was desperate to get her talking. Just to get her to open up. He wanted to help her, but with Sara…you couldn’t use traditional methods.

“So…what is it about them? Rob Thomas’ good looks or his voice?”

She chuckled softly. “His lyrics. They draw me…you know?” She looked at him and smiled. “Of course…it does help that he’s cute and has a damn sexy voice…”

He laughed lightly. “The lyrics…draw you? What does that mean?”

She shrugged her shoulders lightly. “I don’t know. Haven’t you ever heard a song that just screams at you? Begs you to hear? And then, when you finally just sit down and listen…really listen…it’s like it was written for you…only you…”

He was quiet for a moment. He wasn’t really sure where to go from here. He had her talking…and it was quite obvious that although she was talking about music, she really wasn’t. He had an idea of WHOM she was talking about, but he just let her continue. He didn’t want to risk making her shut down again.

“The first song I heard by them was ‘Push’.” She gazed back out the window. “The first time I heard it, I bought the cd. I was hooked. Every song on that disc…it was like they were in my head and heart, and transferred everything I was feeling into words. It was an odd sensation.”

He sat quietly, not knowing what to say…but content just to listen to her. And she seemed just as content to have him listen instead of trying to talk. He lowered the volume on the radio a little more as she continued talking.

He pulled into a parking space in front of the building and shut the engine off…but made no move to exit the vehicle. Instead, he turned towards her and listened…just listened.

“I wore out that cd…twice.” She laughed softly. “I didn’t even know you could wear out a cd…but I did. I listened to it constantly. His voice…he makes you think he’s singing to YOU…about YOUR problems, YOUR thoughts, YOUR emotions…it’s just unreal.”

“And ‘Disease’…that song just totally explains my feelings to myself.” She shrugged her shoulders lightly and chuckled. “But, then again…it is just a song.”

Warrick nodded slowly and took a deep breath before he spoke. “I’ve never known anyone to get as passionate about music as that.”

She smiled…the first real smile he had seen from her all night.

He glanced out the window quickly before looking back at her. “So…who or what…is your ‘Disease’?”

She quickly snapped her head towards him, glaring at him. There were so many emotions in her eyes. Anger, pain, embarrassment…jealousy? Yeah, definitely jealousy. He saw the doors to her heart slamming shut forcefully. It took the entire 45 minute drive to get her to open up and trust him enough to talk to him…although she spoke in analogies. It took exactly 3 seconds and one question to completely betray that trust.

She opened the door and climbed out of the Tahoe, storming inside. She needed a cup of coffee and some time just to think…to be alone.

Warrick sighed heavily, letting his head fall back against the headrest. He was so close…and then he screwed it up. But, he did learn something. He had always known that there was a certain degree of mutual attraction between Sara and Grissom. But…this was the first time he truly understood how much Sara honestly cared for Grissom. If the word ‘love’ were in his vocabulary…he would’ve used it to describe her thoughts on Grissom.

He shook his head and climbed out of the Tahoe. He wondered if Catherine knew what was going on.

Chapter Five

Warrick quickly found Catherine. She could tell by his hurried pace that something was amiss.

"Hey Warrick, what's up?"

"Hey...do you know what's wrong with Sara?"

Catherine's smile quickly faded. She knew that she was going to have to talk to Sara. If Warrick was seeing the signs, it didn't look good.

"Yeah, actually, I think I do. What happened?"

He shook his head slowly. "To be honest, I'm really not sure. We were coming back from the scene...the radio was on...she was singing." He looked deep into Catherine's eyes, trying to read her thoughts. "But, she wasn't really singing. She was feeling the words. It was almost eerie. I asked what the song meant to her and she clammed up and came inside."

Catherine sighed, nodding her head. "I'll go talk to her."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Catherine found her in the locker room. She stood quietly as she watched Sara angrily jerk her jacket out of her locker and slam the door. Sara turned and jumped, startled by Catherine's presence.

"You heading home?" Catherine tried to make her tone as light as possible. Which was nearly impossible given the current situation.

"It's the end of shift...that's what I do, go home." She glared at Catherine.

"Look...Sara, we need to talk."

"About?"

"Grissom. Look, I know how you feel about him..."

"Catherine...stop!" Her voice was brimming with anger...but there was more. Pain maybe. Catherine ignored her request and continued with her statement.

"And...you need to know, he feels the same about you."

Sara stared at Catherine, wondering why she was teasing her. This isn't funny.

She nodded sarcastically. "Yeah, okay...whatever Catherine. If that was true, then you and he wouldn't have..."

Catherine quickly interrupted her. "Sara, we didn't sleep..."

Sara threw her hand up in front of her. "Catherine, I don't want or need details, okay?"

She quickly walked past Catherine, slamming out the door. As she turned the corner, she literally ran into Grissom...sending the papers in his hand to the floor. He stood still and looked at her, seemingly oblivious to the fact that all of his paperwork was now strewn across the hallway.

She looked at him briefly before walking past him. He quickly took hold of her arm to stop her. She responded by jerking her limb from his grasp.

"Sara...where are you going?"

Like he really gives a shit. "Home."

"But...I...uh...I thought we were going to talk."

She shrugged her shoulders and huffed lightly. "Don't feel like it."

She walked off, leaving him standing among his papers with a worried expression plastered on his face.

He made his way to the locker room. He needed to know what was said. He found Catherine quietly sitting on a bench gathering her belongings.

"Cath...what happened?"

He listened intently as she explained the entire conversation, or lack thereof. His jaw dropped slightly. He swallowed hard and turned to leave.

"Where are you going?"

He took a deep breath before turning back to her. "Sara's house."

She stood quickly and walked to him. "Griss...I don't know if that's a good idea. She's hurt, she's confused...maybe you should just wait it out."

He shook his head frantically. "No...I can't leave it like this...with her thinking that...you and I...that we..."

He couldn't even finish his own sentence.

He turned quickly and left the room before Catherine could try to stop him again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

She opened the door to find a weary Grissom standing on her doorstep.

"What are you doing here?"

"We...we were supposed to...talk this morning." He smiled lightly. She didn't. "Can I come in?"

She shrugged her shoulders and turned to go back to the living room.

He listened to the song playing on her stereo for a moment, trying to place the lyrics.

It's nothing, it's so normal

You just stand there

I could say so much

But I don't go there

'Cause I don't want to

I was thinking if you were lonely

Maybe we could leave here and no one would know

At least not to the point that we would think so...

He smiled at the memories flooding through his head as he remembered the song. He caught her dark eyes staring at him and turned his smile to her. She didn't return it.

"I thought you wore that cd out years ago."

Her eyes narrowed. "They did make more than one copy, you know."

He sighed. This was not going well. Maybe Catherine was right...maybe he shouldn't be here. No...he needed to be here. He needed to talk to her.

"Sara...I think there's been a misunderstanding."

She crossed her arms over her chest and glared at him. "So, what I heard you two talking about...I misunderstood?"

He quickly shifted his eyes from hers. "Partly."

She watched his expression change. He looked ashamed, embarrassed. She almost felt sorry for him. Almost.

"Sara...I didn't have...sexual intercourse...with her." He winced at his own words. He reminded himself of Clinton's testimony. 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman.' He wasn't so sure that he sounded any more believable than he did.

She continued her glare. "It's none of my business who you have sex with..."

"Sara...listen to me, please." His eyes met hers. "I had too much to drink last night. I was upset." He paused for a moment looking for the right words that he knew would never come. "Something...happened between us...but I didn't...penetrate...her."

No...the right words didn't come.

"Grissom...go home." Her stare never faltered.

"Sara..."

"Go...home. I don't want to hear any more of this...I can't..."

"Sara, don't push me away...please." His voice was no louder than a whisper.

"Me? Me? I'm pushing you away?" Her voice began to rise in anger. "You have been pushing ME away...you told me to get a life, remember?"

"I said you deserved a life..." His voice was soft, trying to calm her...it wasn't working.

"What's the fucking difference?"

No, it wasn't working.

"I tell you I'm confused and you do nothing." She stared at him. "Who's pushing who?"

She waited for an answer, an explanation. None came. He was at a loss for words.

"Just...go home."

He looked into her eyes for another moment before turning and walking towards the door. Opening it, he turned back to her. Her eyes had turned their stare to the stereo.

"Sara..."

She wouldn't look at him, knowing if she did the tears would fall. He would not see her cry. No...not now.

Her lips quivered, her voice unstable, as she whispered the words. "Go home."

He swallowed hard, resisting the urge to hold her. To pull her into his arms and cry with her.

"Sara...in my mind...it was you."

She glanced at him for a mere second before averting her eyes.

He took a deep breath and walked out the door, closing it gently behind him.

Her tears burst from her eyes and streamed down her cheeks. 'It was you'...what was that supposed to mean? Was that supposed to make it all better?

Chapter Six

He wasn't sure where he was going. He just knew he didn't want to go home. Instead, he drove around the streets of Las Vegas aimlessly.

His mind wasn't on the traffic, or the music playing on the radio, or even the direction in which he was traveling. His mind was on Sara. He had hurt her. His heart ached with the knowledge of that fact.

He wished that he hadn't allowed Catherine to drive him home that night. He wished that night had never happened. If it hadn't happened, he wouldn't be trying to tell Sara how he felt at this point. He knew that. But, he also knew that if it hadn't happened, Sara wouldn't be in pain right now.

So consumed in his thoughts, he had no idea he had pulled into a parking lot until his hand turned off the ignition. Puzzled, he looked around. Tower Records. 'Why am I here?' Still confused, he felt his hand open the door. Almost in a daze, he allowed his feet to carry him into the store.

He found himself in front of a rack of cd's. 'I don't even listen to this', he thought to himself as he picked up a jewel case and walked to the counter. He paid the teenager behind the register, who was smiling brightly at him. He returned the boy's smile and made the journey back to his car.

His car took him home. He didn't remember driving home at all. He slowly walked into his living room, his fingers gently turning the cd around in his hand. He didn't even remember removing the wrapping or the seal from the case.

Sighing heavily, he placed the cd in the stereo and took a seat on his sofa. His eyes narrowed slightly as the drums thumped from the speakers. He wasn't sure he liked this...at all. But, he left it on. He focused on the lyrics. That was always her reason for liking this group...the lyrics. He listened intently as the first song ended. His head tilted slightly as the second song began.

It's sitting by the overcoat,

the second shelf, the note she wrote

that I can't bring myself to throw away...

His eyes widened slightly as he looked over to the end table. Opening the drawer, he pulled out one of many notes he had kept over the years. All written in her handwriting. A small sigh escaped his lips as he turned his ears back to the lyrics swaying in the air around him.

I'm sorry about the attitude

I need to give when I'm with you

but no one else would take this shit from me

and I'm so terrified of no one else but me

I'm here all the time

I won't go away...

He took a deep breath and felt it catch in his chest. He understood. He completely understood what she had been talking about...he could feel it. The surge of emotions flowed through his body and settled in his trembling hands.

He sat staring at the stereo, bewildered at his revelation. A soft knock on his front door made him turn his head slightly. He stood slowly and walked to the door. A lump formed quickly in his throat as he opened the door to find her standing on the steps. The rage was gone from her eyes, he noticed. But not the pain. No...the pain was quite evident. He attempted to swallow the lump and speak.

"Sara..."

"Grissom...don't say anything. Just let me talk okay?"

He nodded and stepped aside so she could enter.

Her eyes immediately locked on the stereo. "I didn't know you had that..."

He closed the door gently and swallowed. "I...uh...I just bought it this morning."

She gave a half-hearted smile and walked to the couch. He took a seat on the other end of the couch...afraid to get too close. Afraid she might pull away from him. So, he kept his distance, but kept her close.

He watched her as she nervously picked at her nails. Unsure of what she was going to say, he felt his stomach knot.

After a few minutes of silence, she took a deep breath. "Grissom...I need to know." She turned to look at him. His heart skipped a beat, seeing the tears in her eyes. "I need to know what you meant this morning."

He averted his eyes momentarily, summoning his courage. "Sara...I thought...well...hoping, wishing...it was you." He waited for a reaction, any reaction. She inhaled deeply. He continued.

"Catherine is...my best friend." He stared into her eyes, trying to read anything...everything. "But...there's nothing romantic there. She's not who I want to be with..."

Sara swallowed.

"Sara...if I could take it back, I would. But, it happened...and I'm..."

She interrupted him with a soft whisper. "Did you fuck her?"

His jaw dropped slightly. She was staring into his eyes, searching for the truth.

He answered...his voice no louder than hers. "No...no, Sara...I didn't..."

She continued her stare for a few seconds more, then exhaled softly. "What do you want Grissom?"

For the first time since she walked into his home, he felt safe. He slowly moved closer to her and took her hand in his, his eyes lost in hers. He felt his heart race with fear. Something he wasn't used to...fear of losing her. He squeezed her hand gently.

"You. I want you, Sara...in my life. In my personal life." His hand trembled against hers.

She smiled lightly and returned the gentle pressure to his hand. She leaned towards him, he closed the distance.

His lips touched hers. He relished in the sensation. He deepened the kiss slightly, afraid of pushing too far. She responded by wrapping her fingers around the nape of his neck.

They broke the kiss slowly. Neither wanting it to end. He missed the taste of her lips immediately.

His fingers gently brushed her hair from her face. "I'm so sorry Sara...I never meant to hurt you."

She smiled at him. A real smile. "I know Grissom."

He searched her eyes. There was no anger, no pain...just...'Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?'

He sighed lightly. "I need to tell you something Sara."

A brief look of fear shone in her eyes. Her voice quivered. "What?"

He took a deep breath and allowed his thumb to caress her cheek. "I...I love you."

The fear dissipated quickly. "I love you too, Gil."

She leaned into him for another kiss.

...Well I always say, it would be good to go away

but if things don't work out like we think

and there's nothing left to ease this ache

but if there's nothing there to make things change

if it's the same for you I'll just hang...

He smiled as he leaned towards her. "You know...I think I like Matchbox Twenty..."

She returned his smile as their lips finally touched again.

Chapter Seven

She broke the kiss suddenly and turned from him. His eyes opened.

"Sara, I..."

She shook her head, silencing him.

"Grissom...Gil...I can't do this." She turned back to look at him. "I love you...but I can't do this."

He swallowed...that lump was forming again.

"You may not have fucked her...but, you crossed a line."

He opened his mouth to say something, anything. She held her hand up and shook her head. "No...let me finish."

His mouth closed as he nodded.

"You confuse me Grissom. Telling me that you were thinking of me when you were with her, doesn't help, okay? The fact is...something happened. And I can't forget that. I...just...can't."

Her voice wobbled, his heart ached.

"I didn't come over here to fall into bed with you. I came because I'm confused...I need to talk...I need to listen...I need to know. You caught me off-guard with the music. I thought that you understood..."

"I do..." His voice was soft.

She inhaled deeply. "No...you don't. I wish you did, but you don't. If you understood, we would have been talking...not kissing."

He averted his eyes from hers.

She placed a gentle hand on his cheek. "Hey...you need to look at me. I need to see your eyes."

She removed her hand as he turned his eyes back to her. "I do love you...but, I'm not sure that I can trust you in a relationship right now."

"I...Sara..."

"You need to tell me what happened."

Through his eyes, she could see him retreating. Quickly. He didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to forget it ever happened.

"Grissom...if you don't tell me...we can't go any further. I can't let go of this until I'm able to work through it. And I can't work through it if I don't know."

He took a deep breath. "What do you need to know?"

She leaned against the back of the couch, letting her hands fall to her lap. "Everything."

He shifted nervously. "I don't..."

"If you can't talk to me, and tell me the truth...then, how am I supposed to trust you?" She paused. "I want to trust you Grissom, I want to believe you...in you. But, I can't if you don't tell me. I'm sorry...but I can't."

He glanced around the room, as if he were trying to find a way to escape this conversation. He knew he couldn't. If he wanted her in his life, he couldn't. Of course, there was always the chance that she wouldn't be in his life even if he did tell her. He closed his eyes. It was a risk he was going to have to take.

He slowly opened his eyes and looked at her.

"I...uh...I had a headache. She insisted on driving me home. I needed to...talk. Just talk. I needed a drink to loosen up a little. I only intended to drink one...but..." His voice trailed off, watching her fingers pick at her cuticles nervously.

"I was upset...I had quite a few drinks..."

Her voice cracked slightly as she spoke. "Why were you upset?"

He wanted to tell her the real reason. Because she wouldn't talk to him. He knew that if he said that though, she would probably take that as him laying the blame on her. So, he decided that being somewhat vague with this answer would probably be best.

"I...uh...I had a lot on my mind. The case, my father...you..." He waited for her reaction. She slowly nodded, accepting his answer.

"We talked. And then the conversation turned to you." He watched as her eyes narrowed slightly.

"What about me?"

"Well...why you were...I don't know...offish with me. She said it was because of Terri."

The muscles in her jaw tensed. She crossed her arms over her chest.

He cleared his throat gently. "I didn't know why. She...uh...she repeated Terri's movements to show me."

Her fingers tightened against her flesh. His hand ran nervously through his hair.

"And then...she...uh..." He swallowed...damn that lump. "She...kissed me."

Her eyes darkened, her muscles twitched again.

"And?" Her voice was cold.

He bit his lower lip.

"And...I kissed her."

Her eyes closed. Her knuckles were turning white. Her heart didn't want to hear this, but her mind needed to hear.

"And then?"

He rubbed his temple gently. "I didn't fuck her..." His voice was a whisper.

Her eyes snapped open. The anger was quite evident. "What DID you do?"

He wanted to crawl in a hole and pull the dirt over him.

"I...I didn't mean for this..."

"What did you do?"

His teeth chewed at his thumbnail, trying to find the words.

"I...she...uh...she touched...me..."

"She touched you? Where? Your ear, your chest...where?" Her voice rose slightly.

His hand rubbed the back of his neck.

He breathed deeply, nervously. "She...uh...str...stroked...me."

He saw the fire in her eyes. Her fingers grasped her arms tighter. For the first time since they had known each other, he thought she was going to hit him. He didn't blame her.

"She jerked you off..."

He could feel the ice in her words. They cut into him. He could say nothing. He nodded.

Her teeth ground against each other. She stared into his eyes.

"Then?"

The worst part was over. It should be easier to tell her the rest. For some reason, it wasn't.

"Then...I called out...your name. And then...I passed out...and she...left."

She searched his eyes for any evidence of a lie. She found none. She hurt. Everywhere. But, the most damage was felt in her heart. It didn't even feel like it was beating anymore. He had shattered it. And now the shards were lying on the ground.

He could see the tears in her eyes, but they never fell. Rarely did he ever feel like sobbing...this was one of those times.

"Sara...I’m so sorry...I didn't mean for it to happen..."

"But, it did Grissom...it did." She fought back her tears successfully.

She slowly stood on shaky legs and walked towards the door.

"Sara..."

Her hand was on the doorknob. She turned to look at him. A single tear escaped her lids. She hoped he didn't see it. He did.

"I need to go...for a drive, for a walk...I need to go. I have to think."

He wanted to hold her. Her eyes told him to stay where he was. He stayed.

She opened the door, looking back at him once more. "Give me time to think...to process...then we'll...we'll talk."

She didn't wait for an answer. She closed the door behind her.

He slowly sank back down to the couch. His own tears finally fell.

Chapter Eight

Her tears began to flow as she closed the door behind her. She quickly made her way to her car, her trembling hands starting the ignition. With one more glance towards his door, she pulled out of the parking lot.

She was vaguely aware of music playing. She was sure she had the radio on, it was always on. But, she heard only notes...she had no idea what was playing, and in all honesty, she didn’t really care. Her mind was racing. She needed to go...anywhere...just to go.

She drove aimlessly around Vegas. She stopped at a red light and looked around. Puzzled, she realized that she wasn’t even sure how she got there. She couldn’t remember turning onto any other road after leaving Grissom’s house. But, she had. She decided at that point that it probably wasn’t very safe for her to be driving, considering she couldn’t remember anything about the drive so far. She needed to get out of the car for a while.

She drove for a while longer, finding herself at Lake Mead. She handed the lady in the booth a five dollar bill and drove in, finding a secluded parking area. She exited the car and began to walk. Her destination at this moment was unknown. She just needed to be alone. She needed to think. She needed...she wasn’t even really sure what she needed anymore.

She sat down on a rock off of the path she had been taking. The breeze had picked up slightly. She shivered against the wind. It was a little chilly, but she paid little attention. She wrapped her arms around her knees and stared out at the horizon behind her sunglasses, the wind gently whipping her hair around her face.

‘I shouldn’t be this upset. I really shouldn’t be. Grissom and I are...nothing really. Friends. We’ve never even gone out on a date. We flirt. We’ve made ambiguous comments to one another. But...we’ve never followed them through.’

She inhaled deeply.

‘Until today.’ Her fingers gently touched her lips, remembering the tingle of electricity that shot through them as he kissed her. She swallowed, fighting back the tears.

‘No, I shouldn’t be upset. We’re not in a relationship. And I have been going out with Hank.’ She closed her eyes. ‘Hank. Maybe I should’ve given him more of a chance. But, really...how fair would that be to him? Letting him think that I am interested in him, when I only think of Grissom when we’re together. And...it’s not like Hank and I have a...relationship. We’re friends. Dinner occasionally. Movies once in a while. But...Grissom...he thinks there was more to it than that. I tried to tell him it was nothing. But, he didn’t believe me. I know that.’

Her head dropped, her chin resting on her knees still held by her arms.

‘I hurt him with Hank. But...I never even kissed Hank, much less jerk him off.’ She shuddered against the mental image of Catherine touching Grissom. Her anger reappeared momentarily.

‘Dear God...I love him...I really do. But, can I really let go of what happened between them?’

A tear gently fell down her cheek.

‘Catherine. How am I supposed to work with her now? The others will notice the tension. They are trained investigators. Hell, Warrick probably has it all figured out by now. Especially with the way I acted towards him. Catherine’s not stupid. She had to know how I feel about Grissom.’

She shifted slightly on the rock and looked back out across the horizon. The sun was beginning to set. She’d have to go home soon. She had to work tonight.

‘Jesus...I can’t work tonight. Not with everything like it is. I can’t do it...not tonight.’

She sighed heavily as she thought about the time spent at Grissom’s house earlier.

‘I know he didn’t mean for it to happen. I know that. I shouldn’t have kissed him back. I should’ve just pushed him away. But...dammit...I love him.’

A weak smile graced her lips for a mere moment. ‘I can’t believe he bought a Matchbox Twenty cd. That’s so not like him. He’s trying to understand. I know he is. I know he loves me.’

Her smile disappeared. ‘But, he allowed her to touch him. To kiss him. He kissed her. He was thinking about me when it happened. Thinking about me? What the fuck is that supposed to mean? Surely, he doesn’t think that makes everything okay. I mean...he’s not that...dense.’

She ran a cold hand through her hair. ‘This would make so much more sense if we had been dating. I could understand why I’m so hurt. I want to trust him. I want to believe in him. I want to open my heart to him. But, really...is it safe to? What if something happens again? What if it goes farther next time? What if...’

She took a deep breath. ‘What if I quit playing the “what if” game and talk to him about it?’

She glanced at her watch. She had been sitting on a cold hard rock for over 3 hours. No wonder she was numb. She pulled out her cellphone and thought for a moment before punching in the number. Grissom had the night off, she knew that. She held the phone to her nearly frozen ear and waited for an answer.

“Willows.”

“Catherine, it’s Sara.” She tried to coax her voice into sounding not so icy. It worked a little, she thought.

“Sara...is everything okay?”

Sara bit her tongue. ‘No...everything is NOT okay...but you already know that, don’t you?’

“I don’t know about everything, but I’m not feeling very well.” It wasn’t a lie. Her stomach was in knots, her head hurt, her heart ached...work was just not an option. “I’m not going to be able to come in tonight. I just...feel...horrible.”

“Okay...it looks like it’s going to be a semi-slow night tonight anyway. Is there anything I can do?”

She bit her tongue once again. ‘Like what? Give him a blowjob this time? Haven’t you done enough?’

“No...uh...thanks though. I just need to get some sleep.”

“Okay. If...well...if you need to talk...or want to talk...you know...”

“Yeah...sure, I know.”

There was an uncomfortable silence on the line.

“Sara?”

“Yeah...”

“You know...he...didn’t want this...”

She quickly interrupted her. “That’s what he says...”

“I didn’t either...it just...happened...”

“Shit happens, I guess...”

“For what it’s worth, Sara...I’m sorry. He does love you though.”

She swallowed hard, carefully choosing her next words. “I’m not really sure what it’s worth at this point, Catherine. I need...to...go. Okay?”

“Okay...just don’t...don’t give up on him yet.”

“Yeah....”

She quickly punched the end button. Taking another deep breath, she removed herself from her rock and made her way back to the car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The ringing of his phone broke his thoughts. He quickly grabbed it, hoping it was her.

“Grissom.”

“Hey...”

“Oh...Catherine...” He tried to mask his disappointment as best he could.

“Sorry to disappoint you. I just wanted to let you know that Sara called in. Said she wasn’t feeling well.”

“How did she sound?”

“Upset, confused...angry.”

The silence was deafening. He needed to say something. ‘Play it safe Gil...’

“Uh...how’s the workload? Do I need to come in?”

“No...it’s not that bad. The three of us can handle it. I think you need the time to think anyway.”

He sighed heavily. “Yeah...well...if something comes up...”

“We can handle it...we’ll see you tomorrow night.” She quickly hung up the phone, not wanting an argument from him right now.

Grissom looked at the phone in his hand. His finger dialed six numbers before hitting the “clear” button. He wanted to talk to her. He wanted to make sure she was okay.

‘No...I can’t call her. She said she needed time. I have to give her that.’

Inhaling deeply, he laid his phone on the coffee table and continued to sit in the dimly lit room...waiting to hear something...anything.